Medicine is a demanding career choice, and it’s no secret that being a mum is also demanding. Though gender parity has improved dramatically in recent years, there’s still very little research into the experiences of mothers who are doctors.
Maternity leave, childcare, and even attitudes towards mothers in medicine can impact women’s career progression. One US-based study published last year reported that; “Today’s young women physicians still struggle to have it all and therefore reduce their work hours at substantially higher rates than men to reduce work-family conflict.”
One issue is that there’s still no consensus on doctor maternity leave. Many feel dedicated to their patients and don’t want to slow their career progression, so they don’t want to take time away from work to have children. The industry still has a long way to go, but many medical mums would still argue that medicine and motherhood are the two best jobs in the world.
Being a mum in medicine
Melbourne-based paediatrician Sarah Arachchi is a busy mum of two. As a young student, she was drawn to medicine because she loved working with people and wanted to help change the community in which she was raised. She became a paediatrician because she loves working with children.
“I also enjoy helping families and working within a team to achieve the best patient outcomes. The multidisciplinary nature of paediatrics allows it to be super rewarding,” she says.
“When I first had my own children, I realised how little I knew about parenting! You learn very quickly how to juggle life and medicine. It is definitely a balancing act.”
After her first son was born, balancing motherhood with full-time work during her last year of training was difficult. Dr Sarah says she couldn’t have done it without the support of her family; “to this day, I appreciate their sacrifice in helping me to complete my final year of training.
“I worked every day from 8 am – 5:30 pm, and once a week, I worked from 8 am – 9 pm and was on call that night. One in five weekends, I worked all weekend and was on call both Saturday and Sunday. My son would leave for Melbourne on Thursday, and I would not see him again until Sunday. It tore me up inside to see him cry when he left me each time, although I knew he was in good hands. I guess you could call it “mum-guilt,” and it’s real.”
Dr Sarah’s husband also travelled a lot between Ballarat and Melbourne. The family were constantly packing and unpacking. Sometimes, Dr Sarah and her son were alone together in Ballarat – when Dr Sarah was bitten by a spider and ended up in hospital, she had to bring her son with her.
“It was one of the hardest times in our lives. I learned, however, that the challenges I faced that year pushed me to become a better doctor and a better mother.
“Sometimes, it may feel like a storm is coming. It is not the storm, but the ship that learns to sail through the storm that will ultimately conquer the storm.”
Now, Dr Sarah has a better balance in her life. She’s now working part-time and is enjoying the time she gets to spend with her sons.
“Motherhood is definitely a journey that I enjoy. I think finding that balance is necessary because it is important not to miss the little moments in life.”
She also makes time for personal health and wellbeing. She enjoys cooking and making healthy meals, and loves exercise.
“I value exercise so much. It is so important to get some fresh air. It changes your perspective on things and helps you to reflect. Every day, I try to go out for a walk for at least an hour. My little one usually accompanies me in the pram. We have a special route we take, and I am always equipped with food, water, and toys to keep him occupied!”
Her advice to other doctors, particularly mums, is; “Take time out for yourself. You cannot be the best doctor without being the best version of yourself. Look after your mind and your body.”
Dr Sarah’s tips for medical mums
• It takes a village to raise a child. Ask for help. Join a mother’s group – even if you cannot meet in person, join one online.
• Be organised. Plan in advance. Makes a huge difference to the day!
• I have had so many conversations with my own medical mum friends who feel conflicted about going back to work/staying at home for some time. Mum-guilt. I have definitely suffered from this more than once! However I have learned that it is okay to take time off during maternity leave (or after). Kids grow up way too fast and it’s nice to spend time watching them grow. It’s also okay to go back to work, whenever you want. Your kids will grow up admiring you as a role model no matter what decision you make.
• Take time out for yourself. You cannot be the best doctor without being the best version of yourself. Look after your mind and your body.
Finally, Dr Sarah reminds us that all doctors should prioritise their own health and wellbeing. We cannot be good mothers, doctors or community leaders if we are not well. “In medicine, we are taught some of the most important concepts about being healthy and the importance of preventative strategies in achieving a healthy lifestyle. Yet, as life goes on, and work gets busy, it is easy to forget.
“Sleep. Exercise. Eat healthy food and try to prepare it yourself. Mindfulness. Take time to pause and reflect.
“Lead by example. Invest in yourself. Believe in yourself. Your journey starts there.”
Coping with the highs and lows as a parent and paediatrician
As a young student, Dr Sarah Arachchi was drawn to medicine because she loves working with people and wanted to help make a change in the community.
“You can't do medicine unless you are passionate about giving back,” says Dr Sarah. “I always had that drive, and when I studied medicine at university and made friends, I felt like, ‘Yes, I've finally met my people.' I felt part of a community. Today, I’m part of the paediatric community, and I’m also involved with a Facebook group called Melbourne Medical Mums and Mums to Be (And Dads and Dads to Be.) I feel like I can relate really well to other medical moms and parents. We go through similar struggles trying to balance our work and career choice with looking after the kids.”
Parenting and the curse of perfectionism
As a mother to two young boys herself, Dr Sarah is grateful she works in paediatrics which she says is very understanding towards Mums.
“Working full time and having a child is hard, really hard,” she says. “It's that whole sense of balance. Now I have two kids so I've chosen for the moment to work part-time. Kids grow up so quickly and I don’t want to miss out on such a special time. One day, they'll be going to school five days a week and hanging out with their friends, and you won't get to see them, and you can’t get that time back.”
“Medical parents need to remind themselves that it’s not a race. I work with some consultants and mentors who have achieved so many amazing things, and they show me pictures of their 20-something-year-old kids. I think, ‘Wow, how did you do all that and still raise kids?’ But if you speak to any of them, they'll say that there was a period of time when their children were babies, where they spent time at home or took some time off.”
“A paediatrician told me recently that I shouldn't feel bad about staying at home with my kids because raising children is such an important job. ‘Your kids will contribute to society one day,’ they told me, ‘so what you're doing at home is just as important as what you do at the hospital."
Dr Sarah has an issue with how doctors are perceived in society.
“Sometimes it feels like we’re meant to be superhuman,” she says. “That perception has built up over a long time, and we need to challenge that perception. We're not perfect; we're human beings, and we make mistakes. I’ve seen colleagues suffer from burnout because of that constant striving for perfectionism. You don't have to be perfect. You don't always have to be in control, particularly when you've got other responsibilities in your life as well.”
“After I became a mom, I became much more empathetic towards mums, families, and children. When you’ve been through it yourself, you just get it, and parents can sense your empathy. You just have todo your best and care for the patients as best you can and hope that they see how much it means to you.”
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
Doctors are typically Type A personalities who feel they need to do everything and do it perfectly says Dr Sarah.
“As a mum, you have to accept that’s not always possible. Sometimes, your house is going to be a bit messier than you might like, and you can’t beat yourself up about that. It's hard because we hold ourselves to a certain set of ideals, and when we don't meet our high standards, we can become disheartened.
“Remind yourself that you’re not perfect and look for support in your local community or online in the Medical Moms group on Facebook. I draw a lot of strength from my Facebook family, knowing that other people are going through exactly what I'm going through. Some people try and do it all alone. It’s not a good idea. Reach out, get the support you need, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. I don’t necessarily follow my own advice all the time, but like every other parent, I’m learning as I go. “
“Don’t feel guilty about asking for help because taking care of yourself is just as important or if not more important, because if you’re in a good place, then you’re able to take better care of your children and other people around you. It’s like that famous quote says: ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’”
Passion projects
“I still have a passion for medicine and making a difference, but your attitude toward the profession changes with time. I remember going through the hospital system, feeling overworked and under stress studying for exams.”
“At times you get the feeling as a doctor that maybe society doesn't necessarily appreciate you as much as you wish that they would. It's not as rosy as it seems, and you have to find your own happiness in the field that you choose. But going to work, being around patients, and talking to families and children is something I’ve always been passionate about. It's the other stuff that gets to you, like when you're trying to do something for a patient, and you can't do it for X, Y, or Z reasons beyond your control. That is irritating.”
“We all go through different challenges in life, right? It’s the same with medicine. You have to come back to the reasons why you chose the profession in the first place. And if what you're doing at the moment isn’t working for you, there are other pathways that might make you happy.”
This article was originally published in 2021
